just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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