genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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