Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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