Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
