if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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