highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You are the jesus of drinking
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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