i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize