he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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