When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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