i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize