Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize