Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
