There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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