i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
