At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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