On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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