do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
