I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
