Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
