If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
