Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
