It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
