Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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