Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
