Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Randomize
