Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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