i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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