god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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