College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
