they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
