my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You are a genius and a whore.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
