TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
