I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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