I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize