I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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