He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
