Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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