i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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