tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize