I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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