So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
