And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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