I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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