And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
