He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
