it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
