About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
