anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You're a waste of cheezeits
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
