I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
