Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize