now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
When are your genitals available?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
