Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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