I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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