I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
