Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
