Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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