I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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