i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
