Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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