im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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