Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
