Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
