Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize