Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
