Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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